Don't let a road trip ruin your friendship...and 10 other tips for group travel

Did you travel during the holiday season? If you're anything like me, you live for a spontaneous road trip. Sure, I love the feeling of the wheels touching down on the tarmac of a city I've yet to discover, but there's something to be said about the journey that comes with hitting the highway. However, if there's one thing I've learned in all my travels, it's that you can't take everybody on the road with you (or the plane)...no matter how stable you THINK your friendship is.

Have you ever hit I-10 East headed to New Orleans for a little weekend gallivanting and around about Beaumont thought, "What the hell have I just done?" The drive from Houston to B-Town is about an hour and a half if you're cruisin', and just long enough for you to realize that you'll be in the car for the next 4-6 hours with minions from the depths of travel hell.

You know them well...the ones who need to stop to pee every seven exits, need a smoke break two exits after that, want you to turn the radio down so that they can hold a 15-minute conversation about Shri-boo-boo's cousin Niecy who's baby daddy is sleeping with your neighbor but that ain't nunna yo business (right?), they eat everyone's snacks but don't buy anything when we stop because "Eh...I'm not hungry", they never have any cash to pitch in on the gas (even though that was made abundantly clear before we hit the road) so they have to "get you back" when you guys come across an ATM. Oh, and not just any ATM. It has to be THEIR bank's ATM. Because BAY-BAAAY no...they will NOT pay that $3 convenience fee for anyone's convenience but their own. Any of this sounding familiar? And no, to my current road-trippin' friends, I don't mean you (don't call my phone later charging me up). So these mavens of mischief are easily the bane of your existence on the open road, right? I know. But the good news is - there's help.

You're planning a trip to somewhere undoubtedly awesome and it just makes more sense to drive. Maybe it's the two of you headed to shop in San Marcos for the weekend. Maybe there are four and a possible in the car if you've just crossed after a semester of "ass whoopins" (but frats don't REALLY do that, so pretend I didn't say that), and you spent all your money buying chicken and Hennessy for your DP and ADP, but you still wanna celebrate - albeit on a serious budget - so someone agrees to take the "bitch seat" for the journey (FYI - this is NEVER recommended).

Speaking of the bitch seat - let me take this opportunity to go over the roles in the car. Oh yes, everyone on a road trip serves a purpose. The driver is, well, the driver. Be nice to the driver because he or she sets the mood in the car. If the driver is pissed, everyone suffers. The front passenger side is probably the most coveted spot because of its location, but this is an imperative role - not to be taken lightly. It's like sitting in the emergency aisle on an airplane, except your seat reclines. As the navigator, you are the official map reader, the DJ, the lookout for the POPO, the keeper of the driver's snacks, and the master conversationalist (to keep the driver alert). You CAN be demoted to back seat if you screw this up. That brings me to the back seat riders. Your job is to simply ride and speak when spoken to. You cannot drive from the back, nor do you control the radio. Reach your hand through that middle passage if you want to, you'll come back with nubs! And no, the driver can't scoot the seat up to give you more leg room.  

Now don't worry - a road trip CAN be the time of your life, even if you're in the back seat. As long as everyone agrees to take the unspoken, unwritten, but completely necessary - road oath. I didn't write one and to my knowledge no such thing actually exists (my patent is pending), but you can kinda hammer one out based on the list below. If you actually hope to speak to these folks again, here's a few things to remember:

• Get ya bread! First things first. If you are the unlucky soul who has the pleasure of booking the room on your credit card or putting the deposit for the rental car down on your account - make sure you get everyone's cash before you travel. The next thing you know, she's spent her hotel money at Forever 21 (or Anthropologie if she's fancy) and is keepin' a stash of money for hand grenades on Bourbon. And he bought those Pierre Phillip's for the trip, so money is kinda tight. It's just easier and less stressful to know that everyone has squared up their account. That way, nobody is lookin' upside your head when you buy beignets, but you owe them money.
• Know who you're traveling with. This is the cardinal rule. If it's your first time traveling with someone, don't try to drive to Miami. That's too long in a car with someone you can't really trust yet. I know, she's been your best friend for the past 11 years, but does she wash her weave regularly? He was the best man at your wedding, but do his feet stink when he takes his shoes off? Does he think it's funny to put on the window lock and then let out those SBDs and wait for the backlash pretending it wasn't him? You know what an SBD is right? The "silent, but deadly" poot. Does the driver expect the person in the navigation chair to hold her ketchup so she can dip and drive? Does the navigator want to listen to Lil' Jon's Crunk Rock on repeat the whole way there (kill me now)? Questions. They need answers.
• We can't all fall asleep at once. Don't let the driver be the only one awake - unless you're me. Because those who know me, know I have small issues with narcolepsy. I'm gonna take several small naps in the middle of conversations. Get over it. But hey, I'd rather that than Tourette's. It's just plain rude to leave the person responsible for your lives left to his or her own devices. Respect the driver and make sure at least one person is awake to keep him company. And this one is for my mom - feel free to slap the driver in the head if she tries to text and drive (*raises a guilty hand*), or turn a bottle up while behind the wheel (obligatory PSA). We need to arrive alive!
• Pack accordingly. Remember how many people are getting in the car and know that everyone's luggage needs to fit in the trunk. If you need to rest your head on the trip - bring your own pillow, cause I'll be damned if you think you're gonna lean, prop, snuggle, or anything else all up in my personal space. There is a definitive line in the back seat regarding my space and yours. Front row folks need not worry because they've got a console and leg room. But if you're sitting in the back and you've packed a cooler, your Beats headphones, your purse, a snack bag, and a change of shoes - just know that ALL of that is staying on your side. Period. This is a non-negotiable.
• When we stop, detrash the chariot. If we're riding four deep, it's crowded in this thang. Trash seems to accumulate quickly on the road and nobody wants your Burger King bag posted up smelling like onions all the way there. Balled-up napkins, sweaty half-empty cups, candy bar wrappers, hot Cheetos bags, and the like - got'sta go. Anytime you pull over, everyone is responsible for getting all trash out of the car.   
• Patience is mandatory. Anytime there's more than one person riding in the car, nerves will be tested. Hell, my nerves get tested when I ride by my damn self...so add three other attitudes, a stretch of road with nothing to see but cows and Valero's, and we might have trouble on our hands. Just. Breathe. It's gonna be OK when you get there. I promise. Bring a sippy cup and your headphones and sit back. Unless of course you're driving. Then you might just have to slap a ninja.
• While in town, not everyone has to do the same thing. It's good to branch off at times. Being with a group doesn't stop any of you from being individuals! Not everyone is going to want to do the Voodoo Tour. Not everyone gives a damn about getting Cafe Du Monde for the fifty-leventh time this weekend, although I have no idea why they wouldn't (shout out to Cafe Du Monde...servin' powdery, fluffy crack beignets since 1862). You wanna plan some group outings, or make group suggestions, or all meet out for dinner - cool! Hell, if you feel more comfortable staying attached at the hip, that's cool too. Sometimes you and your crew like doing the exact same things...but, don't trip out just because your friend doesn't want to go every place that you want to go. You need to be cool with doing whatever makes YOU happy. You'll thank yourself on the ride home. It sounds silly, but this issue has been ruining group trips since there were groups. And trips. 
• You're not going to please everyone. The music, the stops, the food, the seating arrangements, the location...all of it. Somebody, somewhere, somehow is going to agree to something they weren't completely on board with. Or they will not be satisfied with any "group" decision. Or they will be the one rattling off problems and never solutions. Just let that person live. And you keep doing you. You came with the group, so majority rule. You don't like that? See previous tip.
• No, it's not cool to ask someone to wait at the lobby bar while you get it in. Yes, people do this at every age. Yes, this kinda goes without saying, but looka-here, I said it. And yes, looka-here is a word. The whole white towel on the door knob thing is very Patrick-Swayze-Dirty-Dancing-ish (circa 1987). Only these days, the white towel is a text saying, "Don't come up. I'm on one." I won't go into all of the reasons why this isn't cool - because you should just know that it isn't - and I'm not judging if you decide to catch a random while you're on vacay, but don't come calling any of the group when you also catch a case behind that random. Rule of thumb - unless you're in your own room (or you can go to "Random's" room), better luck next time my friend. 
• Late nights and/or early mornings ain't for err'body. You might be the one up before the rooster crows, or you might be the one in the club until the lights come on. Bottom line - you have to respect that everyone functions on different clocks. Early birds: don't wake up at 6 a.m. and glide from room to room with your good morning wishes because you're so well rested. And night owls: don't come in at 3:32 in the mo'nin trying to climb in the bed and body pump everybody wit' ya drunk ass. R-E-S-P-E-C-T...Aretha ain't the only one lookin' for it. Find out what it means to each person in your group.

So after putting together these "Rules for Roadies" - or maybe we can deem this the official unofficial "Road Oath" - (yep, read it out loud and make everyone repeat after you)...I might need to do some self-reflection about my behavior as a road tripper. I'm guilty of at least half of the things on my list! Damn...that's a tough pill to swallow. Ah well, just like with anything else in life, we live and we learn. I road trip with friends quite often, and I've traveled both near and far, so I feel confident in these rules of engagement. It's not impossible to road trip without casualties, but you've gotta be smart about it.

All I'm saying is - just like money and moving in together - a road trip can ruin a perfectly solid friendship if you let it. Choose your traveling compadres wisely. And oh yeah...HAPPY NEW YEAR people! Is it too late to say that? Maybe it's a "new year, new you" or maybe you're the same ol' dysfunctional you from 2015...either way - it's OK. I kinda prefer flawed and dysfunctional versions of people. It's honest. So here I am giving up my first offering for 2016. I hope you enjoyed it!